Hello MorningDigital Painting
12.5 x 18cm December 2016 This piece focuses on a perspective of looking down. The cold tones disguised as warm colors approaching the outside as well as the solid colors in places that are not the skin or wall suggest a stagnancy within the emotional core of the subject iself. Identity and self awareness as well as self-care are themes explored in this piece due to the extremely personal aspect of it.
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Planning
For much of October up to now, in December, I have been waking up every morning with the feeling that I want to vomit. Sometimes, I do just that. In February of 2016, I was diagnosed with GERD, or gastro-esophageal reflux disorder. It is a terminal and incurable (however suppressable) condition that makes my stomach acid very strong and gives me heartburn. One of the worst physical pains I have ever felt was caused by this condition however it was before proper diagnosis. A strong memory of mine was that I laid on the floor of the waiting room of the emergency room at the hospital late at night from the pain and had been crying myself to sleep from that same pain for the days prior.
My general practicioner told me that my disorder was caused by too much stress in my life, which I could definitely not argue with. Having a full school schedule as well as going through a messy breakup and a transitional phase of my life (see, college applications, scholarship applications, lots of due dates for all my classes) obviously caused me to have lots of stress, and this is why my disorder has been flaring up lately. Every morning when I wake up and every day after a certain time I have intense shooting pains throughout my abdomen. This prompted me to make an art piece as somewhat of an ode to my disorder, something that was a reflection on what it has done to my school attendance as well as how it affected my life. I wanted to be able to include themes of isolation as well as connections to my hometown as living here with all of my memories causes me a great deal of stress.
My general practicioner told me that my disorder was caused by too much stress in my life, which I could definitely not argue with. Having a full school schedule as well as going through a messy breakup and a transitional phase of my life (see, college applications, scholarship applications, lots of due dates for all my classes) obviously caused me to have lots of stress, and this is why my disorder has been flaring up lately. Every morning when I wake up and every day after a certain time I have intense shooting pains throughout my abdomen. This prompted me to make an art piece as somewhat of an ode to my disorder, something that was a reflection on what it has done to my school attendance as well as how it affected my life. I wanted to be able to include themes of isolation as well as connections to my hometown as living here with all of my memories causes me a great deal of stress.
My inspiration for this piece was from two sources; one, an image I found on DeviantArt by an artist with the username edhunter644. The shocking imagery paired with the perspective of the piece and the simplicity of it all were things I wanted to incorporate into my piece. My second inspiration was the piece "Fountain" by Marcel Duchamp; the nonsensical composition as well as the toilet imagery again were things I definitely wanted to involve into my piece.
Planning Sketches |
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Process
My initial idea was to create a physical collage on a large piece of paper for a more dramatic and textured visual effect. This would allow the material medium to help illustrate the meaning behind the piece (in that many factors add up to one problem, or in this case piece) but I decided against this idea and went with a medium that was really comfortable to me; digital painting. Using a medium that I enjoy as well as was comfortable to me helped me create something that I wanted to show off as well as helped wrap up what I was feeling.
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I started with what I always do when I create a digital painting; I made some lineart then decided on a palette color. In my case I was sticking to warm colors in the center with cold undertones in the shading to create the illusion of warmth from the center and cold seeping in from the obvious bathroom setting. After "shade mapping" (putting tiny dots of color in certain spots), I blended them all together and then blocked in large areas of color in the shirt as well as the hair. These areas of color symbolize the feeling that the disorder gives me; being stuck and stationary. For the floor, I used a photo taken by Shannon Benine of the Infinity Room at the Milwaukee Art Museum.
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Reflection
I believe that my final piece could have been executed better; I would have liked to add more differences in value. However what I did find is that my technical skill has definitely improved since my last piece. The smoothing of the lines and the seamless blending as well as accurate shade mapping helped my final product create a stronger visual impact than I had originally thought it would. The photo I utilized for the floor especially created that tonal difference; and the meaning behind the floor was that I wanted to show how especially 'infinite' the physical pain and the emotional toll on missing out felt.
The cold tones creeping on the edges of the piece symbolize the inherent cold of bathrooms leaking into my body from the outside as well as the depression that follows after I have a bout of body upset. The embarassment and shame of having a chronic illness especially that involves such a stigmatized action hurts me very badly, but, with this piece it's helped me see somewhat of a beauty in what I'm able to do even with this illness holding me back. The aesthetic beauty of the final product helps me take pride in what I'm able to do with my artwork and without that pride I doubt I would be where I am today. So, I'm finally able to say thank you to my body for being so hard on me so I could transfer some of my mental doubt to my physical state.
The cold tones creeping on the edges of the piece symbolize the inherent cold of bathrooms leaking into my body from the outside as well as the depression that follows after I have a bout of body upset. The embarassment and shame of having a chronic illness especially that involves such a stigmatized action hurts me very badly, but, with this piece it's helped me see somewhat of a beauty in what I'm able to do even with this illness holding me back. The aesthetic beauty of the final product helps me take pride in what I'm able to do with my artwork and without that pride I doubt I would be where I am today. So, I'm finally able to say thank you to my body for being so hard on me so I could transfer some of my mental doubt to my physical state.